For generations writers and artists have attempted to flesh out visions of hell. Fire, brimstone, demons, and devils. Let me tell you, hell is hardly that interesting. I know I lived it. Hell has florescent lighting and a linoleum floor. The devil wears a name tag and enjoys barking at people that don't even make a livable wage, but are trapped there. Just like I was.

I sat the last can atop the shelf and it groaned in protest. All the hinges were nearly rusted through. I checked my watch, five minutes until clock out. I brushed my hands off on my smock and headed toward the back of the store. Up the aisle I spotted the assistant manager chatting it up with one of the freezer-cooler guys.

"Hey, Art." I said as I approached. "Aisle 5 has about had it. Those shelves seriously need to be replaced before they just fall down and kill someone with canned goods."

He turned from his conversation slowly and gave me a demeaning stare. "What does this tag say?" He asked flicking the yellow plastic below his badge.

I sighed. "Assistant manager…"

He looked over my name badge with flare. "Humm, yours doesn't seem to say building inspector- Do you have a degree in carpentry that I don't know about?"

I narrowed my eyes on him. "What does carpentry have to do with rusty shelves?"

He rolled his eyes. "Look, Dani, you're a stocker. Just do your damn job and don't worry about anyone else, okay?"

"I was just bringing it to your attention." I said quickly for fear that something worse might slip out and I still needed my job. At least until my transfer went through. I checked my watch again, two minutes until clock out. I stepped past them and continued my trek to the time clock.

"What was that about?" I heard the other guy ask.

"I dunno," He grumbled "the fat bitch is always complaining about something."

I frowned and kept walking, just a little longer and I'd be out of this hell hole. I could tell him what I thought of him after that. Was being an asshole just a prerequisite to management?


I reached the back and swiped my badge, clocking out just as I heard a crash. Art called out for me on my walkie, but I just put it up to charge.

"Oh, sorry, I'm off the clock bitch." I cooed to myself.


The employee parking lot had been packed upon my arrival leaving me to park way at the back. Sure, I needed the exercise, but at one A.M- after a full shift my knees didn't give a crap about exercise.

Fatigue wasn't the only thing that had my feet dragging though. Life had just gotten... stagnant . Every day just like the one before. Get up, go to work, go home, sleep, and that's it. I was stuck, absolutely stuck in the depths of retail hell. I reached my car and rested my head on the hood.

"God..." I groaned to myself. "Just where am I supposed to go from here? Is this it?" I looked up at the black sky and it's twinkling stars. It seemed like a nice night for an epiphany. "A sign would be nice." A few quiet moments passed before I sighed and took a step back. "Figures."


As I began to unlock the door I felt a chill run up my spine. I whipped around , but the parking lot was empty, not a soul to be seen. Still my pulse remained fast and the hair on the back of my neck refused to lay down. I swallowed hard, no reason to dawdle so, I hopped into the car and pulled out of the parking lot.  

I decided on taking I-49 to avoid traffic lights , since I was now thoroughly paranoid, I wanted to get home as quickly as possible. The interstate stretched out in front of me dark and deserted. At least I'd be able to spot anyone tailing me right off the bat. I hummed to myself since there really wasn't anything worth listening to on the radio at this hour. Was it normally this... lonely on the road? It seemed odd, but I shrugged it off; I was already half way home. in fact I had just entered Desoto parish when my tire blew.

I quickly pulled over and slammed my forehead against the steering wheel. "Perfect! Just perfect!" I drug myself out of the car to assess the damage. The moon allowed enough light for me to see that my right-rear tire was flat as a pancake with some sort of spike sticking out of it. "Real cute." I grumbled, pissed that I'd somehow ran over such a thing. Popping the truck I uncovered the spare, which, much to my disdain, was even flatter than the one with a hole in it. I slammed the trunk and opened it up just to slam it again before pulling out my cell phone.

My parents were no longer in the state to come and rescue me, but maybe my dad could give me an idea of someone to call.

I flipped it open in time to see my full bars drop to no service. "Oh bullshit!" I snarled pulling out the antenna and waiving it around in hopes of a signal. I even began walking back and forth and swinging my free arm above my head as if that would help. "Come on you pay-as-you-go piece of shit!"  I snapped the phone back shut and sighed; what else could go wrong?

Pocketing my phone I suddenly noticed two things: It was deathly quiet for a summer night and something stank. I wrinkled my nose and stepped back toward the driver's side of the car. While the sudden reek of stale water and rot by itself wasn't too unusual, the quiet was really unnerving. I opened the door to jump in, after all I was only about ten minutes from home and I figured I could get that far on a flat.  

I had one foot in the car and one hand on the door when it suddenly flipped, catapulting me into the air. I bounced off the grass twice, knocking all the air out of my lungs before I came to a stop at the bottom of the ditch followed by a deafening crash. Shaking, I tried to push myself up only to bang my head on the underside of my vehicle.

I wasn't exactly sure what had happened. My first thought was that I must have been hit by a truck or something. I had already began scooting toward freedom to check on the other driver when a sound stopped me in my tracks. It's wasn't a growl exactly, it was far too gurgley. I watched as a shadow passed by and what looked like legs. Legs the size of tree trunks with three toes on each end. The same vile scent from before permeated the air in my hiding spot. I didn't know what was out there, but it was nothing I'd ever seen or even heard of. I stayed still as it stomped around the car. I froze in place too afraid of making noise to scoot backward and I sure as hell wasn't going forward. It snorted between more crackling rumbles and the sounds of its foot falls became more distant.

I couldn't be sure it was gone and I was not going to peek to check. I was pretty much set on staying under my car until someone came and got me when I heard a  thunderous sound coming  back. In an instant my car was knocked skyward and I was just feet away from the monster.  

I'd love to say I was brave and that's why I didn't scream, but the truth is I was almost too scared to breath. It isn't every day that one comes face to face with a creature that has the body of a mutated rhino covered in slime and jaws that make those of a tyrannosaurus  look cute. It would have been laughed out of any horror movie, but somehow in real life it seemed much less ridiculous.  I will say this though, the second that thing made a move toward me I was off my fat ass like an Olympic sprinter.

I ran for the tree line hoping that I could navigate the mess better than the thing chasing me. I vaulted the fence thanks to the adrenaline and weaved through the foliage. I might have added a few extra holes to my hand by grabbing a barbed wire fence, but it was kinda hard to care at the time. I could see the lights of a house in the distance ; I just had to get that far.

I didn't get much farther though as me feet sank deep into mud. I could hear the monster crashing through the branches behind me as I scrambled to free my legs from the muck. For something so squat and tank-like it sure moved fast. I lost a shoe ,but I had one foot out when I was snatched up by the back of my shirt. I had taken to wearing oversized men's shirts over t -shirts to work since I got tired of busting the buttons on the women's. Best decision of my life. I reached up and jerked open the front of my shirt, popped off several buttons  allowing myself to drop out of the sleeves just as the beast began shaking the cloth like a ragdoll.

I crawled for cover, but my distraction didn't last long enough.  I was rammed from the side knocking back down into the mud. I looked up to see it rear back and open its mouth, and I swear the thing's head cracked open all the way to its shoulders, revealing row upon row of jagged teeth. It lunged forward only to stop inches away from my face with an ear splitting shriek.  Hot, stinking, black sludge then erupted from its throat right on top of me, before it collapsed and pinned me to the earth.

I was just getting properly panicked about the idea of being crushed underneath the thing, when it was rolled off of me. I could make out someone standing above me and attempted to wipe the slime from my glasses for a better view. I got a nice cut in the back of my hand for the effort; my glasses were shattered. I peeled them off of my face and tossed them to the side.

"Can you stand?"

I looked up at the source of that dark melodious voice and my breath caught in my throat. Even in my current state of near blindness I could tell the man standing above me was, for lack of a better word... Hot.

"Y-yeah..." I muttered as I staggered to my feet eager to get a closer look, I glanced back at the monster which was starting to look more like a pile of lake debris than an animal. I could still see the spikes along it's legs though. It looked pretty dead. Back to mystery man.

Damned if he didn't look like someone had peeled him off of the cover of a romance novel. His face had the perfection of Greek statues, without being entirely creepy. It was clear that his porcelain skin had never been touch by acne or any marks of time.  He had black hair that was just a little on the long side and dark eyes. His black slacks and button up shirt were still in good shape except for a tear across his chest revealing toned pale flesh beneath. There seemed to be a bit of blood there too, but I didn't see any wound.  Something was definitely different about the man, but before I could dwell too long he spoke again.

"Are you injured?"

My hand was on fire and I had bumps and bruises from here to tomorrow. "Nothing serious." I muttered attempting to brush my hair over my shoulder only to have it gloop into place and leave sticky strings of slime on my hand. Not exactly sexy.

He wrinkled his nose before recovering to a more neutral face. "Good." He met my eyes then "Terrible accident. I'll pay for the damages to your vehicle. It will be like none of this ever happened."

My head swam and I rocked on my feet. I had to close my eyes to shake off the sudden dizziness. When I looked back up he was already walking away from me. I frowned. "That's it? No explanation?"

In an instant his face was just inches from mine. "Who are you?" His tone was deathly serious.

I swallowed my heart back down before I could answer. "D-Dani Black-"

"I didn't ask your name Miss Black." He narrowed his eyes on me. "Who do you work for, why are you here?"

I pulled my arms up against my chest and took a step back. "I stock shelves... I was just going home. I'm wearing a name tag for petesakes-" I moved to point at said tag when I remembered that it and the rest of my outfit was gone. "Shit, my badge!" I gasped and whipped around searching with limited vision for my previously blue shirt. Not an easy task in the dark, but I managed to find a lump that wasn't mud or grass and rummaged through it to find my name tag. "I need this for work."  As I said those words my initial relief was replaced with a horrifying realization.

"Fuck..." I squeaked as the strength left my legs and I slumped into the mud. "This is real."

My car was upside down; the top completely crushed. I had no car. I forgot about my fear, aches, and sadness. I was angry. I clambered to my feet and marched over to the monster that had started all this. I drew back and kicked it with all my strength.

"Was my life not shitty enough for you? Do you have any idea how many cans I had to stack to buy that car?! "  I slammed my foot into its stomach again. "I can only get part-time in that shithole- I don't have health insurance much less vision or dental! Wanna knock a couple of my teeth out too!?" This time I stomped it. "Why couldn't I run into monsters, vampires, and spooky shit when I had the time and didn't own anything?! Like high school!" I snarled before finishing with an elbow drop.

I straightened back up, panting, but feeling just a little bit better.

"Who said anything about vampires?" he asked standing where I'd left him, just staring at me with his hand at his mouth in thought.

I groaned. "Look at you. You're oozing with 'vampire'."

He was quiet a moment before adding, "You're taking this well..."

"No, I have these meltdowns regularly. Completely normal." I sighed heavily. "They said be careful what you wish for, but did I listen. No, not me. I kept hoping , praying even, that something special would happen to me. Now look, crazy shit happens and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I have no car, my good pair of glasses are smashed, my tailbone is probably floating around near my kidneys and I don't even have an explanation for it! I can't tell anyone the truth!  I really don't want to spend the rest of my days in a mental ward."  I rubbed my forehead smearing more gunk around. "It's going to be really hard to go back to normal after nearly getting eaten by a monster."

"Demon."  He corrected. "I must say you survived a remarkable amount of time against it considering."

"Look," I wiggled my fingers urging him for a response.

"Robert."

"Robert. I get it. I'm a big girl. What I don't get is what the hell am I supposed to do now? Do I have to worry about more of these things or do I know too much and some poor sap is gunna find me in a ditch sometime next week? What am I looking at here?"

The corner of his mouth tipped up slightly, almost a half smile, but not quite.
"You don't have anything to fear from me Miss Black. Killing a human is not only not in my best interest, but would endanger every other vampire in this city. Vampire hunters frown upon it."

"So, there are more of you..."

"A few."

"And I'm guessing that rescue was more for your health than mine."

He did smile then. "You're quite astute. "

"And these things?" I asked motioning back to the demon.

He shrugged. "We normally keep them in check. There have just been more of them lately."

"I mean are they going to seek me out now? Am I going to have to keep looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life?"

"Possibly."

I groaned and found a tree to lean against. "Wonderful."

"Now," He said from way closer than he had been before. "what if you were strong and fast enough to do something about it?"

I looked up at him tiredly. "No thanks. Vampires are cool to read about, but it's really not the lifestyle for me. I still having living relatives that I care about and all that."

He shook his head taking a small velvet pouch out from his pocket. "You misunderstand. I'm not offering you immortality." He poured the contents into his palm , fluidly dropped it down letting the chain dangle from a single finger , he held out a necklace to me. It was all silver with a dark stone pendant than seemed to almost glow. "I'm offering you a job."

"What's that?"

He smirked. "The answer to your problem."






Two years later...

Even real demon hunters have day jobs. So it's no surprise that a wannabe like myself works with the public. I wasn't made to work with people.  No matter how much you want to you can't just smash a customer in the face, unless you want a trip to the police station. A person is fine, but people will kill you slowly with their stupidity. Even while doing my damndest to totally ignore the masses, my usual ten to six shift leaves me both physically and emotionally drained.
I cut the engine to my car and sat in the silence for a moment. It wasn't quite dusk yet and I had about two hours until true dark, but it was so cloudy it might as well have been.  My mobile home was in the country, far enough from the city that I could leave my doors unlocked and still have a TV when I got home, but close enough that the drive to work didn't kill me on gas.
I finally drug myself to my feet and trudged up the stairs of my front porch to the door. I missed the keyhole the first three times and nearly tumbled face first to the floor when I got the door open. Dinah meowed at me in greeting. I locked the door behind me and plodded over to the phone. I didn't want to be bothered tonight. I unplugged the cord and  staggered toward my bedroom, pausing only to make sure Dinah's bowls were still full. I didn't need a yowling cat later.
I gave into my exhaustion just as I reached the bed, collapsing face first into the chilly sheets. I could have just sank into the mattress. Nothing was getting me out of that bed; I would just sleep in my uniform.
I was just about the flip my shoes off when I heard the purr of a motor pull up. Dread washed over me, not tonight! I pulled a pillow over my face and tried to stifle my breathing as I heard a knock at the door. I sat quietly, maybe just maybe, he'd go away. A thump at the window next to my bed made me jolt.
"That pillow trick doesn't work Dani, besides you're car is still warm. Like I'd believe your lazy ass would go anywhere on foot."
"Asshole" I snarled as I pulled the pillow off my face.
"You gunna open the door like a nice girl or you want me to knock it in?" He asked calmly from outside.
I groaned and pulled my aching butt back to my feet. I didn't bother answering him, he could hear me just fine.
"I don't feel like dealing with people named after blue jeans tonight!" I hollered as I reached the door.
I pulled it open to see Levi frowning at me.
"That ain't funny."
"Yeah it is, what do you want? I'm really, really tired tonight." I muttered.
If someone had told me just at the beginning of the year that I would end up with a dhampir as a would-be partner, I'd have had them committed.  I mean by then I knew about vampires, but the only one I was acquainted with was Robert. He'd saved my life and given me Damascus, the necklace that gives me superhuman abilities. He didn't allow any other vampires near me. So it kinda blew my mind when I came home one night to find that human vampire hunters had torched the Shreveport Clan's apartment complex. Robert's brother, William, had been the Master of that clan and his half human son was the only survivor.  Robert wanted me to keep his nephew safe from the hunters until they left the area.
Most dhampirs try to live as humans, they often work with hunters and they don't drink blood. They don't need to.
Leave it to me to get stuck with one that did.
I'd come to trust him to the point that I was pretty sure he wouldn't actually hurt or kill me, but it's still hard to totally trust someone who thinks of you as dinner.
"I tried to call Grouchy-Butt, you have the phone off the hook. Bob says those freaks are at it down by the lake again." Levi muttered brushing his golden brown hair out of his eyes. It was longer in the front than in the back and parted down the middle. I'd told him he was too old for a kiddy-cut like that , but he didn't seem to care.
"Bob's here?" I asked.
Levi arched and eyebrow and stepped to the side. Bob grinned and gave me a half wave. He'd been standing behind him the whole time. Bob was about my height at five seven, not much shorter than Levi, but he was so thin he could practically disappear on you.
"You need new glasses, Dani? Levi mocked pulling my large "grandpa glasses" off my face.
I snatched them back. "Look, I really don't feel like dealing that stupid cult right now. Besides I'm sure you two big boys can handle it."
"Not pussin' out on us are you?" He asked.
I tried to ignore the snaky look on his face.
"Maybe some other time. G'ni-"
"You aren't wearing your necklace." he said cutting me off with a wicked grin.
I instinctively groped for the chain, but of course it was on the bathroom counter where I'd left it the night before. No Damascus necklace meant no cool demon powers. So in proper helpless human fashion I tried to slam the door in his face for all the good it would do me.  He caught it before I could get it shut and scooped me up with ease, tossing me over his shoulder like a sack of chicken feed.
"Leggo!" I snapped thrashing around like a wild badger, but he effectively ignored me . Was this how a kidnapped princess felt? Probably not.
"Hey Bob, go get the necklace. It's probably in her bathroom next to the sink."
"Traitorous pond spirit!" I hissed as he jogged past us into the house. Levi adjusted his grip on me and started to haul me toward his car. I gave him one last good kick in the chin with my heel before going limp.
"At least let me change out of my uniform. I actually have the day off tomorrow and I don't want to spend it doing laundry!" When he didn't answer I continued, "Don't pretend you can't hear me! I swear I'm gunna get you back for this!"
"Oh, sorry, your huge butt must have blocked out the sound." He chuckled.
I narrowed my eyes. I had wondered when he would start with the fat jokes, but none the less I pulled up his shirt and bit the pure hell out of his back. He yelped, nearly dropping me on my head and chunked me into the passenger's side of his puny Saturn Sky. I righted myself to see him glaring at me and rubbing his back. Maybe I was lucky he had had the top down.
"That hurt!" He snapped. "I oughta bite you back."
"Just try it!" I dared. "I'm not above staking your half-undead-ass!" I put on my best badass face and he just rolled his eyes and walked around to the other side of the car.  He was setting down when Bob came running up jumping into the car without bothering to open the door, like he was hopping a fence on Cops. I had to scoot over practically placing myself in Levi's lap to keep from getting sat on.
Levi's car was little, yellow, and had bucket seats. I was far from comfortable and it looked like I was going to be stuck sitting on someone.
"Let's just take my car. You know the one that can hold six people instead of two."  I much preferred my old Oldsmobile to the sports car.
"Suck it up Princess, I'd rather not have our enemies hear us coming from three miles away."
"Excuse me for having a hole in my muffler." I grumbled.
"quit driving cars older than you are." He said simply as he cranked up and slammed the gear shift into my thigh.
We weren't even out of my drive way good before Bob had to light up. He was really looking like that jerk Langley now, not surprising seeing as that's who's body he was in. The idiot wizard had tried to teleport to safety with a broken circle. He succeeded in separating his soul from his body, leaving me with an empty shell to deal with. Luckily Bob was able to possess it. Despite having a new soul, Langley still had the same sick brain, which seemed to be rubbing off on my favorite lake spirit. It seemed really wrong for a pure nature spirit to have a Marbol hanging off his lip eighty nine percent of the time. Bob was clearly a good guy or spirit rather, but the fact that he now had the same brain as a former enemy was troubling.
"You're gunna end up with cancer." I commented over the radio and wind noise.
"Bite me." He grumbled exhaling a puff of white smoke . He had said it with a thick British accent too. Not that proper 'pip-pip-cheerio' British though, a much rougher dialect. Langley was originally from the U.K.- Bob himself spoke with no accent whatsoever. It was pretty easy to tell when he was letting Langley's brain do the driving. Which is why I'd rather him stay quiet and he knew that.
As we turned off my road I glanced at the speedometer. He was going fifty.
"Speed limit is 35 here.  Slow down, I can't exactly get a seatbelt on crammed in this sardine can."
He gave me an exasperated stare.
"Nag, nag, nag. Freakin' backseat driver."
"This piece of crap doesn't even have a backseat!" I countered.
He looked back to the road expressionless and began to accelerate.   I did my best to hide my panic as we tore down the road at seventy miles an hour. Highway to the danger zone began to play on the radio we as we blazed through the first red light. I spotted the Sheriff's car setting in its usual hiding place in the church parking lot.
"The fuzz!" I snapped, but the car only sped up. "Cop!Cop!Cop!Cop!Cop!!!" I shouted grabbing Bob's arm for dear life. The speedometer hit 120 and I felt a tingly sensation run up and over me as we shot past the officer, who didn't even look up.
I turned back to look at Levi who was sticking his tongue out at me.
"You put a ward up on the car?" I narrowed my eyes on him.
"Uh-huh." He grinned.
Vampires put up psychic wards to prevent humans from interfering with all the creepy crap they did. Apparently they could also be used to avoid traffic tickets...
Bob didn't seem too bothered by the ride thus far as he leaned his arm to the side of the window to thump the ashes off his cigarette. That is until we hit a pot hole and he lost his grip on in. He cursed grabbing at it but it was just red sparks hitting the pavement in the distance by then. He groaned and sat back in his seat .
"Fuckin'ell, that was my last bloody fag." he grumbled.
I saw Levi smirk. He had hit that hole on purpose.
We continued our trip at break-neck speed all the way up I-49 and the Southern Loop.  He actually slowed down a bit once we got on the road to the lake.
The road just sort of ended, there was a bit of turnaround room and a few overgrown parking spaces after that it was just a bit of woods and the launch. The scent of stale water and rotting fish guts filled the air. As we came to a stop I watched a large possum waddle away into the bushes.
"Uh, Dani. You may wanna stop strangling Bob now." Levi said.
I release my death grip and he gasped. I couldn't help it he was all I had to grab a hold to.
"You shouldn't drive so fast! I was afraid I'd get blown out of the car." I said with red cheeks.
"Yeah...Bob's hundred and ten pound ass would be enough to hold you down." Levi mocked as he climbed out of the car.
"One twenty." Bob corrected as he too got out leaving me to sit for a bit.
I really didn't want to get out of the car, my feet felt like they were on fire and it didn't look like I was going to be getting back into bed anytime soon. I finally pulled myself up and instantly regretted it. And that was before I spotted the pirogue setting on the launch.
"I hope you don't plan on squishing me into that thing."
Levi grinned. "Yep, sure do." He nodded to Bob, who in turn tossed me the black velvet satchel containing Damascus. I took the necklace out and looped it around my neck as I tossed my glasses onto the dashboard.
My stomach turned as the smells hit me with new strength. I swallowed hard and concentrated on the heightened sounds of the birds, frogs, and insects all around.  I opened my eyes, I knew it was dusk, but with supernatural eyes it might as well have been high noon. I looked to my companions who were waiting patiently for me to get my bearings. My senses were so acute I could see my own reflection in their eyes. It then occurred to me that Bob's eyes were now shining violet. Only when I wore Damascus did they appear that color, normally they were a pale blue. Perhaps that was how all the supernaturals could tell that Bob wasn't really human. After all Levi's eyes were still the same blue-green they always were.
"Look," I frowned "the three of us aren't going to fit in that thing."   
"Don't have to." Levi said "Bob is taking us."
I opened my mouth to ask just what he was talking about when Bob collapsed like someone had cut the strings on a puppet. Levi caught him by the back of his collar before he could crack his skull on the concrete.  I stood there shell-shocked as Levi drug Bob's limp body past me and tossed him into the car like an old ragdoll. Despite Levi's calm expression I was more than a bit shaken.
"He-hey!" I sputtered as he headed toward the small boat. He paused to glance back at me.
"You coming? Or would you rather wait for the bad guys to start sacrificing puppies?"
I bit my lip and followed. I just couldn't think of a damned thing to say. I paused at the boat to turn back toward the car where Bob's legs were hanging over the passenger-side door.
"Any day this week, Dani." Levi urged thumping an imaginary wrist watch. He was already seated and waiting.
I carefully stepped into the boat and shakily planted my butt on the board it called a seat. I looked around except for Levi and myself the boat was empty.  "No paddles or lifejackets?"
Levi arched an eyebrow. "Fat floats."
I glared. "I hope that means jackasses sink." I waited for him to quit chuckling before I continued. "So, what are we gunna do without paddles? Swim? And what about Bob!?"
He didn't answer, just looked at me like I was absolutely retarded. I felt the boat rock and gasped. I peered over the edge to see the water swelling around us, pulling the pirogue out into deeper waters.  I did a double-take between the water and the car before letting out a soft "Oh..."
"P-O-N-D  S-P-I-R-I-T ." Levi said overly loud and sure to drag out each letter. "And you've know Bob how much longer than I have?"
"Shut up! You assholes could have told me something! You expect me to just run out and whack whatever bad guy you chose , but don't want to fill me in on these cacamamie plots you shit out."
"Well, excuse me. I'll be sure to spell it out next time in big colorful letters and hand puppets that'll keep your attention." I leaned back on his elbows and propped his feet up next to me on the seat. "When I said 'Bob is taking us' I assumed you understood."
I shoved his feet farther away from me then crossed my arms. "So, Genius, now when we get to these freaks we'll be one man short- would have been nice to go against a bunch of summoners with you know - another summoner! "
"Wizard body may sound nice to have in theory, until you factor in that he smokes like a chimney and can't run five feet without coughing up a lung. It would get in the way." He reclined further . "Besides this way we get to chill a while before fighting. No need to tire our arms out." He said  as we floated along at a steady pace across the lake. It was pretty convenient to let the water itself take you.
I groaned. "You see? You'd rather bullshit me than actually help with a mission. Robert at least stops by to say 'Demon under the bridge' or whatever. He doesn't help me fight, but he doesn't play stupid games with me either."
"And there you go, praising Robert just cuz he gives you a girl boner."
"Excuse me?!" I snapped. "I can't compare-"
Levi sat up. "Why you gotta bring him up? Why not someone else?"
"Who else?! There are only two people who bug me at night to come beat stuff up. You and Robert. That doesn't mean I have a thing for him or anything."
"Need I remind you that I can tell when you are lying. You think he's cute."
I shook my head. "Cute? How could you use cute and Robert in the same sentence? Hot maybe, sexy would be better."
Levi wrinkled his nose. "Fucking sick."
"Ah, you only say that cuz he's your uncle."  I muttered dismissing his grimaces.
"No, I say that cuz he's a walking corpse. That is just nasty."
"Ch," I snorted. "You are half 'walking corpse' yourself. I appreciate his aesthetic value, that's it. I'm fully aware that there is no chance of romance there- he's just nice to look at."
"Uh-huh, you are so obsessed you named Bob after him."
"I did not! I didn't even think about Bob being a form of Robert! I had a Spirit talking to be- I had to call it something - it was Bob or Fluffy! I'm starting to think you just want to believe I like Robert. "
"I've seen those books you read, you clearly like vampires. It's kinda weird."
I rubbed my forehead. "Lots of women read supernatural romances-they happen to be quite popular. I'm a grown-up I can differentiate the fact from fantasy. Just because I read about it doesn't mean I want to experience any of that in real life."
"Uh-huh." Levi said with sarcasm as he pulled a paper back from his jacket pocket. "Shall I read a verse or two while we wait ?"
I felt the blood drain from my face. It was the fourth book in the series I was reading. I was one of the raunchiest in the series too. No chapter was safe.
"Give me that." I said firmly trying to hide the panic in my voice.
"Nope." He said all to calmly propping his feet back up and getting comfy. He opened the book and grinned. "Damn, random page and they are already humping."
"Levi, I'm serious. Give me the stupid book." I lunged at him grabbing for it. He pulled it back just out of my reach. I swiped out trying to snag it from him. The boat rocked violently as I he held me back with his foot on my chest . I socked him in the stomach just hard enough that I could get past his leg and snatched at the book . Just as my fingers brushed it Levi flicked it into the water.
"No!" I gasped as it hit the water . I went to fish it out of the water , but it floated too far away on the current.  I shot Levi a glare only to find him grinning like a mad man. I sighed closing my eyes. "That wasn't my book was it?"
"Nope." Then he just burst out laughing. I sat back and waited for him to finish. After a minute he wheezed wiping away tears. "Oh, oh... I owe Karen a book, but it was worth it."
I groaned. Karen was one of Levi's "girls". Just a normal human that donated blood to him every now and again. As far as I knew there were four of them and Levi repaid them with expensive gifts; something vampires who can place humans under trances and erase memories don't have to worry with.  I would go on a rant about how wrong that is- that someone would sell their blood for jewelry and stuff, but hey- better them than me.
"Real cute." I muttered then tried to ignore that snarky grin he kept giving me. I looked out over the scenery. We floated under a canopy of cypress trees and I prayed a snake wouldn't fall on my head. Living in Northern Louisiana lakes and ponds like this were about as swampy as it got. At least it was cool enough that I didn't have to worry about an alligator showing up... least I hoped not.  Hopefully all I needed to worry about were mosquitoes and psychopaths.
I looked up when I heard Levi shift positions.  Just ahead the flicker of bonfires could be seen through the tree. "Almost show time." He said eagerly. "What do you say? Stealth or entrance?"
I smiled. "Oh, entrance defiantly. "
Levi shifted his weight from foot to foot. "Ten of them, two are summoners."
I squinted even with demon powers Levi's vision was better than mine, but I could see them. The summoners were in long red robes finishing up their chalk circles. It looked like they had brought squares of plywood to draw on this time- safer than drawing in dirt I guess. The remaining eight were just lackeys in black robes. They served as both look outs and an extra energy source should the summoners need them.  They probably didn't know that. Dumb saps.
The boat slowed as we approached. We were just yards away but in the darkness the thugs on the bank hadn't seen us. Awesome look out job they were doing. The one closest to us was leaned against a tree drinking something out of a brown paper bag.
"Almost time!" Someone yelled from inland and the robe took a final swig from the bottle and chunked into the lake.
I watched as the water sucked the trash under then shot it back out smacking the man in the forehead. He stummbled back then looked out over the water for the first time. Levi and I gave him a wave and smiled as he blanched.
"It's them! They're back!" He shrieked in a Cajun accent as he ran away . How sweet he remembered us from our last encounter. As if on cue the brave boys in black hightailed it and the two summoners turned to face us. One was the same average looking middle aged black priest , but this time Langly wasn't beside him. A young  and shapely red haired sorceress took his place.
I stared at her as Levi sprang from the boat landing on the beach. What the hell? She had her robes open in the front revealing a strappy catsuit that could barely contain her huge rack. What was she thinking wearing that in the woods? She was just begging to find ticks in all sorts or places in the morning! Where would you even buy that thing? She looked like she belonged on the cover of a Marvel comic.
"Earth to Dani!" Levi called snapping me back to reality in time to see the summoned demons rising up from the earth. I hopped out landing a bit less gracefully as the creatures charged.
"Dibs on the treant." Levi shouted as he ran at the large man-shaped wad of vegetation.
That left me with... I heard a snap and barely had time to brace myself as a large moss covered arm slammed into me sending me tumbling into the muck. I scrabbled to my feet as a large green ape lumbered toward me. I really needed to pay more attention during fights. Sadly even my non-skid work shoes didn't save me from taking another slip into the mud. I had to roll to escape a large fist slamming into the mud beside me. Then back again as its opposite fist smashed down. Suddenly the treant  crashed into the ape knocking it aside. Levi grabbed me by the back of the shirt and threw me on to solid ground.
"I've got my own demon to handle Dani!" He scolded as he rushed to tackle the tree beast back to the ground.
I winced as I got to my feet I really needed to work on my landings too. I didn't have time to dwell on it though as I spotted Lime-Ape thundering toward me again with the speed and intent of an F-150. I ducked and tumbled between its legs and took off toward where the summoners had been. I wondered where they were hiding. I felt around my pockets for a packet of salt; I now tended to collect them. It was only take a small dash of salt to break the circles and sent the demons back from wince they came. That was the easiest route since I was weaponless.
I bounded up the side of one tree bounced off another and landed on the hill. Eat your heart out Jet Li. Unfortunately all those cool moves were for nothing, the circles were gone- hauled off by their creators.  I cursed as I felt eyes on me. I whipped around throwing my arms up to block my ribs as that arm swung at me again. Then BAM I was airborne dreading my impending impact.
I hit the water like a cannon ball, spinning beneath the surface. I didn't dare open my eyes in that murky mess even as I felt a chain slipping past my cheek. I felt around desperately only to feel it fall away from my fingertip. I tried to kick after it, but the current swept me away and practically spat me out on the bank.
"Bob! Damascus! " I managed to cough out before having to run for my life again with a giant monkey on my tail. I tripped over a branch like arm and flew into the brush. I got to my feet only to hit the dirt again to get from getting my head slapped clean off my shoulders. I dove in between some trees that were too close together for my foe to enter. He still stuck his arm in swiping around blindly. I was safe until he figured out he could go around. I hoped he was really dumb as I caught my breath. Without Damascus I was wiped and my muscles burned.  I sighed, useless again. I'd just have to wait for Levi to finish up and from the ear piercing shrieks that tree demon was letting out it wouldn't be long.
Just then I felt course fur brush my hand. I looked down to see a soggy nutria clutching my necklace in its teeth.
"Uh, tell Bob 'thanks'. "I muttered as I held out my hand and it dropped it into my palm.
I threw the necklace on took a second to adjust and seized the hair arm that had been groping for me jerking it forward. I heard the telltale pop alerting me that I'd dislocated it under the roar of the demon. I had to take him out quick, I didn't need Levi showing me up again. He'd been kicking ass and taking names the whole time I'd been running around like an idiot. I flipped upward landing atop the creature and jammed my thumbs into its eyes. It howled thrashing wildly. I was thrown into the brush again just as the creature vanished. It wasn't dead, but it had had quite enough of this world.
I crawled up back into the clearing . I had to avoid several pools and splatters of what appeared to be sap. Levi was down by the water washing is arms off.
"Finally done?" He asked without looking at me.
"Sorry to keep you waiting. Next time give me the easy one."
"Easy?" He snorted. "Ever tried punching a tree that hits back? It had thorns!"  He scrubbed some more.  "Not to mention it bleeds syrup that doesn't want to come off."
After a minute he seemed satisfied and stood up. "I don't suppose you saw which way they went?"
I assumed he meant the summoners. "No they ran off with the circles just as the fight started. Probably when I was stuck in the mud." Then I noticed he was staring at me funny.
"What?"
He narrowed his eyes stepping closer. "What is that?"
"What's what?" I asked getting nervous.
He grabbed my chin and tilted my head to the side.
"Hey! " I snapped jerking away. "You'd better not try anything out here-"
He puffed his cheeks out trying to stifle a laugh. "Wouldn't dream of it; you're covered in poison oak!"
I squeaked. "Poison oak!?"
"Oak, ivy, sumac- I'm no botanist, but it's one of them."
I immediately began to itch like mad. I'd been itchy before, but I'd assumed it was from the dirt and grime.

After retrieving Bob's body I found myself waiting in the car outside of Wal-Mart for Levi to come back. I squirmed as Bob held my wrists down in my lap to keep me from scratching. Levi had quickly confiscated my necklace as soon as I'd started scratching.
"Damn it! This is torture!" I cried scrapping my face on the jacket Levi had put down to keep me from ruining his seat.
Bob pulled my face back. "Stop." he said firmly.
I kicked my feet in aggravation. "You guys are going to pay for this!"
"Already am." Levi said chunking a bag near my feet. "That was fifty buck worth of anti-itch stuff."
I just had to grit my teeth the rest of the way home. I practically ran into the bathroom and ran filled the tub as fast as I could. The hot creamy oatmeal bath was just what I needed. It helped a lot. I sank into the water and just soaked until the water got cold. I then had to smear myself with cream before getting dressed for bed. I wrapped myself in my ultra plush robe and slipped on my puppy slippers. I pretty much collapsed onto the bed and fell flat out.

I woke up around ten to the smell of breakfast and the hum of the TV. I groaned, I had to wake up to this too?! I stumbled to the door still groggy. As I swung it open I spied two blurry figures in the living room . The blonde blur came up to me and pushed my large glasses onto my face. Bob just gave me a closed mouth smile as I blinked at them .
"Please tell me you two didn't just camp out here all night."
Levi shoveled a fork full of eggs into his mouth. "Uh-huh. It was late."
"Uh-huh." I muttered. I could feel my face starting to burn an itch again. "I'm gunna go reapply my cream and get some more sleep. Lock up before you leave."
Levi grinned. "Just be sure to get up in time to do your laundry. I can smell it from here."
I looked back at the pile of clothes on the floor. My white blouse was brown with pond water and my shoes caked with mud.
"I hate you." I said flatly as I shut the door an fell back into bed. I'd deal with it later. I was too damn tired now.